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A band-aid

It has been forever since I last posted; and a lot has happened. After I lost my job (yes, I was let go) I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I knew I had to hurry and take care of things for the sake of my daughter, but I knew rushing into something was just gonna be a quick fix; A band-aid. Rent was due, Madie’s tuition, Food… they were creeping up on me real fast and I had to do something. Now, I am not saying I am unhappy at this new job of mine (yes, I found a job!) but my income is way less than before and I am finding myself stretching at both ends to the point I am almost transparent. It was at a point where depression and stress really sat in. Life Sucked. There really was no other way to put it; it was just not what I expected my life to be at this point. Continue reading

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Where does it lead?

© JESSI RENEE PHOTOGRAPHYWhen a new year begins, everyone always says “To a new and better year!” and we optimistically think “This year will be great!” — but what if it is way worse than the year before?

I can’t say that 2013 was horrible; I have endured crazy things in my life that make me realize that 2013 wasn’t so bad, but 2013 made me grow in a way that I don’t think would have ever happened if certain things didn’t happen. The one thing that happened in 2013 didn’t even happen to me but to a family I know and I had the chance to bless them with a gift during this difficult time. Continue reading

I’m a sinner

Usually when people admit they are sinners, some people take a step back from that person because they are not sure what exactly it means. Some people tend to think they are better than others and have a “saint” attitude; they are better and the ones who are not are considered sinners. That sadly is not the case; we are ALL sinners.

I recently came across a song that I use to hear a lot back when I was younger; a 90s one hit wonder. At the time the song was popular I didn’t fully understand the lyrics cause I was only like 10-11 years old (maybe younger) and it wasn’t like my mom was translating the music to me because that would be pointless. Now that I am older and more matured (to a point), I hear the song and it speaks to me more now than it has ever done before:

I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed.

The song is called Bitch by Meredith Brooks and now I can tell someone just what kind of person I am: listen to the song. I’m not trying to say I’m perfect and I am not trying to say I am horrible; I am trying to say I am flawed. Since College I always tend to tell people that I’m a bitch. Whether it meant in a good way or a bad way; I am a bitch and darn proud of it. Why? because I never took the word Bitch to be a bad thing. Yes, it can be used for bad things and even stuff I probably do not want Madie to know at the moment (or later on for that matter) but I am who I am and I can be sweet and funny but I also can be tough and demanding. Those of course can be good traits and bad traits; it just depends on the situation and how you react to that situation. Even now, as I grow closer with God and put him first in my life, the song seems to still have meaning because I am admitting: I am not perfect, I am broken, I am flawed, and I love myself because God loves me anyways for all my mistakes. How many can admit that?

I know some don’t like the word Bitch. It is considered a curse word or a bad word. As Christians we should be not speaking in this type of language and maybe as I get older I will learn that probably; but for now I know I live in a secular world with music that does speak me that may not to others and this song just says so much on my personality and how I do things. I’m not grey. I’m black and I am white. I am yin and the yang. I am a sinner. I am flawed. I am a bitch. Take me as I am… cause that will never change.

– J