12 years of…

roadToday marks a day that ultimately changed my life forever. Even though theĀ  immediate outcome was good, the long-term outcome I still suffer. Twelve years ago, I was a victim of a hate crime. Not many know this and may be somewhat surprised about, but it is something I don’t really get into. Not that it is hard to talk about, it is just something I never needed to bring up. The story is pretty straight forward. I was walking with my then-boyfriend and we were jumped because we were white. He was attacked first but I ended up defending him somehow and I got the brunt of their anger. The reason I know this is because my injuries were so much more pronounced than his. He suffered a mild concussion with a cut to the cheek, but visibly okay. I, on the other hand, was beaten with such force that my face was swollen in multiple areas; cuts in my mouth (I had just gotten my braces), a hairline fracture to my skull near my temple and I was stomped on so hard that a shoe print was visible in a bruise near my eye. I clearly had a major concussion with memory damage. Even after 12 years, only bits and pieces have vaguely appeared in my memory but over all, I do not remember what happened that night. As time has passed, I have noticed my memory getting worse and worse. I see myself forgetting things more and quicker. Walking into a room or even in the middle of doing something I will forget. It does take time to try and remember but sometimes It can take hours or days before It comes to my mind again. It really isn’t easy and sometimes I see myself feeling depressed over my condition. Continue reading

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A band-aid

It has been forever since I last posted; and a lot has happened. After I lost my job (yes, I was let go) I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I knew I had to hurry and take care of things for the sake of my daughter, but I knew rushing into something was just gonna be a quick fix; A band-aid. Rent was due, Madie’s tuition, Food… they were creeping up on me real fast and I had to do something. Now, I am not saying I am unhappy at this new job of mine (yes, I found a job!) but my income is way less than before and I am finding myself stretching at both ends to the point I am almost transparent. It was at a point where depression and stress really sat in. Life Sucked. There really was no other way to put it; it was just not what I expected my life to be at this point. Continue reading

Taking for Granted

Isn’t it always the same? “Why is this happening to me?” Or “What did I do to deserve this?”. I know each one of us has said this at least once in our lifetime and it could be for something big or something small. Usually when we are having a bad day or a bad time in our lives, we feel we are alone and it’s the worse thing that could ever happen to us. Of course, this is normal and everyone does it, but have you ever come across someone else’s story that makes you think “wow, my life isn’t so bad after all”? Well that happened to me recently when going on one of my walks.

We live near a cemetery and it’s a very nice place to ride, run or walk through. It’s very peaceful (no pun intended) and the scenery is beautiful. I stop and look at the tombstones once in a while as I walk by and I couldn’t help notice three graves kind of off in the corner of one area of the cemetery; since I am curious I walked towards it. Reading the names I saw it was a mother and her two children and dates stemmed back to the early 1900’s. Where am I going with this? Well since I saw no husband or father near this family, I can only assume she was a single mother; since I am also a single mother, I couldn’t help but feel drawn to it. Reading more of their stones however made me feel how lucky I am; even with all that’s on my plate.

The mother lived up until her late 50s. Very young indeed but back than during certain times there were a lot of deaths at early ages for many reasons. What makes this sad though is when I saw her daughter’s tombstone. It read “1920-1930”; only ten years old when she passed. This woman had lost her child at a young age and it made me sad to see that. Here, however, is the even sadder part. You see the next tombstone was of her son; born a year after her daughter’s death. Clearly the woman decided to have another child, not to replace the one she lost, but to try and be strong and move on. What’s the sad part you say? Well the son’s tomb only read “1931” meaning he was either stillborn or died as an infant. Not only did she lose out on her second chance of being a mother but she lost yet another child. I can’t imagine what this woman must have been going through and it just made me sit and think about my own life.

Yes, my life is not easy. In some ways it can be downright horrible; but I can’t keep running the lines “why is this happening to me?” when there is far worse happening to others. I have it pretty lucky so far and I should be grateful. You see, The Lord has plans for all of us. We never know why or what is to come of those plans but they are ours nonetheless. We may not like it sometimes and may have a pity party over it but we must trust and have faith in Christ that he will and always will take care of us no matter what is thrown at us. This woman lived 30 more years after her son’s death and even though I do not know where her heart lied when it came to Christ, she clearly did live a life of some sort after losing her children. It wasn’t easy and it shouldn’t be, but when we are put in horrible or uncertain situations, we only have two jobs to do; listen and give it to God. He wants us to turn to him. He wants us to want him. We may never known what his plan is for us but we must always trust that it’s right; and we must always never take life for granted. No matter what this world throws at us, God has our backs.

– J