I failed

A month ago, I sat at my church listening to a wonderful service led by Nate Wheeler, who has never led a service before and had the privilege to lead after Pastor Paul and his wife, Angela’s Broken series. He explained about how he had to rebuild his life after living through churches that had no values and had no good sight on what God’s real goal was for us.

After service, a story was told by a woman named Sandy. Everyone knows Sandy at The Pursuit. She is like all of our mom and such an amazing and great lady. Well her story was saying on how her marriage ended after 30 years because her husband, who was a pastor, lost his faith. Her life crashed before her and she couldn’t understand why God could let this happen. If you see Sandy now, she is one of the most Godly woman I have ever met and God gave her something he knew she could handle and she handled it just fine. To the point that she helps the youth in keeping their sight still on him.

It was a great story, and it was a story that made me break down. Sandy just so happened to be sitting behind me and I walked to her and hugged her. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t control myself and somehow me being there for Sandy ended up the other way around. Sandy whispered to me what was wrong and I confessed to her how much I felt like a failure, how guilty I felt that I married someone I did not know well and now I’m marked with a divorce for the rest of my life; something I never ever wanted to have. I felt guilty that my daughter has to be in a split home. How she has to visit only one parent during the holidays and how she will only see one of us more than the other. I never wanted Madie to go through that and yet I failed her. I failed God.

Sandy told me that I wasn’t a failure and that God knows whats inside my heart. He knows what i can do and he will use me. I walked back to my seat and still began to cry, as another friend, Brandi, come by and consoled me. I told her how I felt and she kept telling me that I was not a failure and that I am strong. As I sat there letting out all of my pain I had been holding in for quite sometime, I finally realized they were right; I am not a failure. I may have let my Lord down by getting a divorce, but he loves me and he knows I tried. He is now taking care of us by keeping us stable as much as we can be and being a part of a wonderful church family. He is letting me learn from my mistakes and help others in the same problems. He put me in certain circumstances so I can be there for Madie at any moment in time if she needs me. She was my blessing in all of this and she is my reason to fight harder than ever.

I may now be part of a statistic, but I refuse to be a failure any longer…

2 thoughts on “I failed

  1. Janice Spitzer says:

    Jessie, God can take what you’ve been through and use it for His glory. He can heal you and show you how to depend on Him and not on yourself or others. To trust Him to provide for you and Maddie. And you can minister to other women who are going through what you have been through and give them the hope Jesus gave you when you were where they are. Don’t be afraid to be honest about how hard it was and is but also share about the small and large victories He has given you. Remind yourself of those often too to keep yourself encouraged. Keep a journal so you can share them with Maddie some day so she can know what Jesus has done in Mom’s life so she’ll know God had a purpose for your family as she was growing up and He loves her and you and was in control the whole time. He loves Daddy too!


    • Jessi says:

      Thanks mom 🙂 … I couldn’t stop feeling guilty for a long time because we got a divorce and feeling like a failure but finally letting it go and opening up to my church really started my process of healing as i am now a single mom and struggling to work and stuff. But God has provided for us in more ways than one and I know he is using me for his glory and he is using my experiences to help others and even help Madie right now too, cause I’ve been where she is right now. I just have to continue to trust God as I go through more trials right now and know its all for him… Its tough and sometimes i feel I’m not strong enough but have to remember God never gives us more than we can handle.


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