I am Broken

Currently the Series at Church is called “Broken” and this is my story on how I am trying to change the way God wants me too.

My story started when I was young. My mom was single, caring for my brother, sister and I, My dad was nonexistent and I didn’t know what a dad was until my mom married my step-dad when I was 3. By the time I was 12, my mom was sick with Lupus, my step-dad was never around because of his work, my siblings had their own lives and we were taking care of my sick Aunt and my baby cousin. I was bullied by the neighborhood kids and I never wanted to leave the house.  I felt so alone and I didn’t know who to look too. After my Aunt got better, she and my cousin moved back to Idaho while I tried to re-build my life. That is when I accepted Jesus as my savior and was baptized the same day. I knew this was the moment I would have a good life and not let things get to me; but I was wrong. Shortly after giving my life to Christ, I found out by my family that my aunt became hooked on drugs and left. I was very angry. I couldn’t believe after all we did for her and all I sacrificed to help out, she chose drugs like none of it mattered. I let that anger control my life and it led me down to a path of unwise decisions. I wanted to kill myself at one point and at times I would physically hit myself just to feel something other then the pain. As I got older, I gave myself physically to my first boyfriend thinking that it was OK because I would marry him someday. He instead married someone else he was cheating on me with. While my heart was still broken, I married a man I only had known for 10 months. He was a non-believer and I thought “Hey, I can help him know God” but while being physical with him in the process. Like in the series, “Love Sex and Dating“, I was a hypocrite. I can’t tell why I did what I did, and I can’t even tell you if I even cared; all I know is that God wasn’t around to help me and I didn’t care where my life was headed. After our daughter was born, our marriage and lives were in a downward spiral. He couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t work and after moving in with my parents, my dad quit his job. All of us left California and moved to Reno to start fresh. After 5 months however, we were evicted. But God stepped in and my other aunt and grandmother from Idaho said to move into my grandma’s house because she is no longer living there since she got sick. We would have this house rent free as we try to get our feet on the ground. Everyone was excited about it; except me. I kept thinking about the Aunt who betrayed our family by choosing drugs over us and I didn’t want to go. Even though it was over ten years since it happened, I still couldn’t trust her; I couldn’t forgive her and I defiantly didn’t want to be in the same state as her; but I didn’t have a choice. I needed to think about what was best for my daughter and that was keeping a roof over her head. We moved to Idaho in February 2009 and that is when I saw my aunt for the first time. Even though she had been clean for over a year, I still didn’t know how to act around her because I was still angry. Her son told us about the church they attend, the Pursuit, and how we might like it. The Pursuit sounded like the church I attended back in California and thought I would try it out. I attended the Pursuit on Easter 2010 and I fell in love with everyone here and how much the messages spoke to me. Something I really hadn’t feel before. As months went on, I was separated from my husband and we got evicted from my Grandma’s house. We again had no where to go but the one person who stepped up was the Aunt who I couldn’t stand. Even though she only had one room for my parents, Madie and I; it was still a roof over our heads. We moved in with her and her family in March 2010 and It was a very stressful time but its where the Lord wanted me to be.

During the 3 months we stayed at her house, I found out all those things I heard about her were not true at all. I came to feel that all that anger I had felt over the last ten years were for no reason and as I continued to talk to my Aunt about our issues, the more I felt closer to God. Even though my life was not perfect, he always took care of us. It was never the best circumstances but we never went hungry, we never went homeless and he showed me a church that cared and that helped me rebuild my relationship with my Aunt and with him. I finally realized just how broken I really was and how I needed to make my life about him and not about the past.

Now it’s 2012. I am a single mother of a wonderful 3 yr old. I live with my mom as my dad works hard as a truck driver. I am slowly but surely starting to work again and rebuilding my life. My aunt even helps me out by babysitting Madie, just like I took care of her daughter when I was young. We finally came full circle and I truly believe its all because of God.

I still have a lot to learn in my life but I feel the Lord put me in these situations for a reason. I didn’t know it at the time and I didn’t understand why but now I do.  It wasn’t easy and I am still working on myself, but deep down I know that as long as I have faith in God and rely on people who love me, I will no longer be broken.

– J

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