I’m a Survivor – Day 18

I know a few that have the “Oh woah is me” complex; where they just accept defeat and talk about how horrible their life is or was. I use to be that person myself and I can say now, I am not proud of it. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I know, most of America is made of dysfunctional families and we are just part of the majority, but each family handles each situation different. I come from a family where my grandparents immigrated from Mexico to start a new life in America. My grandfather became a citizen and worked hard for his family. My grandmother was a hard worker herself, cooking, cleaning and raising four kids. They taught us a lot but of course with all families, there were secrets. Secrets that can destroy a family or have them grow closer; we had both. As I grew up, I was the youngest. I had one step-sister who was 15 years older than me, than a half-brother 8 years older and a half-sister 5 years older; Basically I was an only child. Not because my siblings didn’t love me but they were so much older, who wants to play with their baby sister? (Though my brother showed me Video Games. God Bless his heart!)

I admit, I was very spoiled by my step-dad because my dad was not around. Don’t get me wrong, he visited from time to time but It was a very confusing relationship for me growing up because I just didn’t understand why; I didn’t feel loved. Being spoiled wasn’t a good thing though. I got away with a lot and growing into an adult I had to learn that you never always get what you want. Plus having a sick mom, I never knew what it was like to have a Mrs. Clever type of mom. She tried, especially before she got sick. The first ten years of my life showed us going to Disneyland, baking Christmas cookies and hanging out with other mothers and their kids. After that, I became the role of making sure things were cleaned, cooked or anything that just needed to be done. I can say I was not very good at it. It’s hard enough to get a kid to do their chores; try a kid helping or doing more than normal. Not much got done at times but I did do a lot. Even helped raise my baby cousin when my Aunt needed to live with us. So picture a 12-year-old doing home-school on her own, taking care of a 2-year-old, cooking for my family and cleaning; Day in and Day out. I didn’t have many friends…

Where am I going with this? Well like I said earlier, I was those “woah is me” type of people. Felt sorry for myself but never doing anything about it and blaming others for my life. After suffering a horrible break up from my first boyfriend, denying a relationship with someone who I cared about deeply and then marrying a man I didn’t know all to well just to end up in divorce, I find myself now 26, a single mother, no job and still living with my parents. Pathetic loser? Some may think so… but from what I’ve learned over the last few years is that even when I make bad choices in my life, I have the opportunity to fix it and learn from my mistakes. I wasn’t the most brightest girl growing up; at one point my mom actually thought I had a mental issue because I couldn’t understand certain things and I was very naive and immature. I’m still that way, but I know how to handle it a little bit better and as time goes on, I’m learning more everyday. I at least am trying to give myself and my daughter the best life I can give. The life the Lord knows what’s best for me.

I’m a survivor in a different way. I wasn’t molested as a child, shot, been in a domestic violence relationship or suffered in a war. I survived growing up, learning from a life that was given to me and being a better person for it. I don’t blame Kyle because he cheated on me, It’s my fault I dated him and stayed with him. I don’t regret marrying Brett because it was my choice to marry him and we got one heck of an amazing daughter out of it; and at this moment I don’t blame Chris for his actions because I hurt him as well. I’m human. I will make mistakes, but I will work and try to make it better. Now that I am going through a time where I want to create a closer relationship with God, I need to let go of the past and look to the future. Do what the Lord has always wanted me to do. Listen to him and follow his word.

I finish Day 18 on Fasting and Prayer with this in mind… I am a Survivor…

– J

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